He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
It's never too late to be topless.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
