Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
