I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
