FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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