i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
