Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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