I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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