Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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