my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
