I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
