just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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