R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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