i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
love makes seman taste better
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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