I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
