Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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