I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
