fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
