OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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