so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
