I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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