I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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