I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
