hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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