Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Can I color on your dick again?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
