my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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