If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
