dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
