Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
