I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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