the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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