I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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