drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
