I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
