I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
