took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize