The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
