im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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