The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
