i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
