Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
