He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
