I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
