I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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