I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
