I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
