All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
