True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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