I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We are two peas in an std pod
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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