Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize