What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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