At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
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