Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize