i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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