i need an iv and a liver transplant
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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