i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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