Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
