i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
