i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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