o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize