There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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