You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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