There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
