the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
