it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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