Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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