bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Never joke about your clitoris.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
